Thoughts on Baby #3

I frequently forget that this is really Baby #3 for me. It feels somewhere between #2 and #3. I know I have two children, but I also don't know it at the same time. For example, a friend of mine was commenting that she was going to have two kids before she reached age 30, and I said, "oh, I'm not quite going to make it." Hahaha, pretty sure I "made that" three years ago!

Pregnancy really is a long process. This last part is going quickly, but when I think about the whole thing - like from finding out and puking until now, not sleeping and hot flashes - It really is a LONG time!

I'm starting to panic that this baby isn't a girl. At our 20 week ultrasound, I would have been fine with a boy or a girl. (Yes, I did want it to be a girl a little bit more. I love having a sister and I wanted that experience for Mackenna.) However, at 20 weeks it wasn't a boy, it was a girl. Now, I am not so okay with it being a boy. I have filled my mind with girls names (although I haven't picked one). I have cut out the blocks to a beautiful girly quilt. I have filled her closet with some new clothes and many of my favorite handmedowns from Maggie and Mackenna. I have picked out matching sister outfits for her and Kenna. The thought of it being a boy is somewhat traumatic to me. I don't know why I'm so panicked about this. I hope it is just a natural outcome of me having so many ultrasounds and so many confirmations of gender with the twins vs. just having to trust the one ultrasound I had this time. I hope. I really don't want to cry in the delivery room.

Also, everyone tells me how easy this is all going to seem to me - having one baby. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to hold and snuggle one baby. The idea of holding one baby or wearing one baby and not hearing another baby cry and wondering what to do about it sounds absolutely wonderful. I can't wait to snuggle my little ONE. However, I don't think there are any guarantees that this is going to be easier. I'm pretty convinced that had either of the twins been singletons, I would have thought mothering was a breeze. I had a good delivery, decent recovery, positive nursing experience, okay experiences at night, etc. They were pretty good babies. Put them together...and that was a different story. However, this could go very differently. Currently she is cockeyedly transverse in my belly. How ironic would a c-section be after I so triumphantly had a vaginal birth with twins. Also, what if she doesn't nurse. Again, the irony - champion breastfeeder/poster child who exclusively breastfed twins now bottlefeeds her singleton baby. We'll see. And we'll pray - a lot - in the meantime.

One last thought, I find myself feeling guilty about ever complaining about this pregnancy. I tried to explain this to Curt and it didn't go so well, but I'll try again. All in all (after the puking), this pregnancy has been easy. The second and third trimesters so far (I'm 32 weeks now) have been "easy" and pain free. I don't have high rib pain, I have only had a few nights of heartburn, I sleep pretty well, I can walk, I can bend over (a few times a day), I am doing okay. I would love a chance to just float in a pool and relax - but its not all I can do like it was with the twins!! However, their have obviously been some moments where things aren't so perfect. I get a strange pain, I'm tired, etc. I am tempted to say something about it, and then I think, "suck it up, compared to twins, this is nothing." It is almost as if I think that anytime anyone complains about pregnancy, they are pregnant with twins. But nope, that is not the case. Many women complain about little things in pregnancy and they aren't pregnant with twins either. It just isn't the easiest process - regardless - but I feel weird about it :)

I also realize there are many other reasons to not complain - mainly the blessing of it all. I am blessed to carry a third child in my womb. I will pick up with my 1000 blessings after far too big of a break.

17. BabyBaugh #3
18. The fact that "she" was pretty much a semi-planned accident - especially compared to our journey to conceive the twins
19. That I no longer puke, and I can deal with all the smells and gross things of toddlerhood without gagging
20. The feeling of a baby moving inside of me, and being reassured by those movements, not second guessing "which baby is that?"
21. The anticipation building to hold and snuggle and nurture and love another baby (even in the middle of the night)
22. A closet which will hold three sets of clothes and plenty of drawers for three children's clothing as well, with floorspace for playing to spare
23. That we have only had 4 combined potty accidents in 3 days (and that my birthday dinner didn't end with a puddle on the floor). (A little bit longer parentheses on this one - we are doing underwear, no turning back, until this baby is born. We will re-evaluate then. I am willing to make it "mommy training" for as long as I need to this time. If I have to take them to the potty regularly and not just expect them to tell me, I'm going to be okay with that. I am not going to get impatient if that transition doesn't happen as fast I would like. I am going to be okay with the messes that may come. I need to try this as much as possible for the next 8 weeks or so. Again, a baby will bring with it a lot of reevaluation.)
24. A fairly clean house for a week, and the sense of calm that brings me
25. A wonderful, wonderful birthday full of people I love and love me too
26. A beautiful, three-year-old, feverish girl, sleeping with me this morning, telling me she loves me and holding my hand. A handsome, three year-old, non-feverish girl, arriving at my bed this morning, froggy in hand, ready for a few minutes of snuggling as well.