One month really changes one's perspective

Six weeks ago, I would have felt "bad" leaving Curt with Micah and Mackenna for almost six days. I would have thought that was a lot of work for one person. Now, I found myself thinking, "two kids? two kids who sleep all night? that is nothing." I thought the same thing for myself, "one kid? one kid who doesn't whine or talk back or disobey? that is nothing." I can handle one kid. I can handle two kids. I am really still in a learning process of how to handle three kids. (Well, three kids and only one parent. When two parents/adults are around, that is a different story!)


I was very overwhelmed last night, thinking about all that needed to be done and how tired I was/am. It is true, not sleeping for more than 2.5 to 3.5 hours at a time for 5 weeks really does wear on you. Curt encouraged me to go to bed. He then told me that you never know, "maybe tonight is the night." He said that needs to be my new attitude. That made me laugh.

Just when I was overwhelmed, God blessed me with another visit from Marcia today. She called at just the perfect time, and she came down and spent some late morning/early afternoon time with me. She made lunch for the twins while I fed Jocelyn. I was able to make the kids the smoothies they had been asking for. She played with them while I was able to fold and put away the laundry and make it so I can walk through my bedroom again - some of the things that were so overwhelming to me last night. What a blessing.

I didn't realize how much I had gotten used to having "me time" when the kids went to bed around 8:00. Time to regroup, clean, do a project, watch TV, catch up on internet. Now that that "me time" is more "we time" with the J girl and myself, I feel a little out of control. Things that I thought would be "no big deal" (like making super easy Halloween costumes), really are a big deal. The toys don't get picked up, the dishes stay in the sink, the bedrooms explode. I know this is okay, but it really can be overwhelming to feel so bad at everything. I am good at handling one thing at a time, but that isn't how life goes, somehow you are supposed to figure out how to do lots of things at a time and not fall off the bicycle you are riding while doing those lots of things. Maybe I need to put on some training wheels.

So, yes, motherhood is hard. I have found myself saying "this is hard" a lot. Not sleeping is hard. Having three kids is hard. One day - one minute - at a time.

(Why am I writing this down instead of sleeping? Because I find myself in a pure panic when I think about how poorly my brain is working and how I am going to forget these precious days. I am going to go take a peaceful nap now, and I am going to work on keeping writing things down. All things in moderation.)